Still Climbing

I'm still trying to climb out of my hole.  My mood has been better overall, but my energy levels continue to sag.  I spent most of Saturday sleeping.  I did however walk each day from Monday through Sunday.  A whole week of walks.  Now my dogs expect to walk every morning, which is good because it helps me get up and move.

I've been trying to make good choices about what I do each day.  Sleep has been winning over housework, I admit.  My big choice this week is to seek out friends and do some socializing.  My tendency when I'm depressed is to become a hermit.  So I am going to defy that desire and get out more.  I already have two lunch dates set up.

Now on to housework.  I have about 2 hours until I'm supposed to leave for lunch today.  In that time, my goal is to get dishes done, do some laundry, and clean the two bathrooms.  It's completely do-able.  I just have to avoid the bed and the couch and the recliner.  Otherwise I'll fall asleep!

Breaking the Cycle

For so many years of living with the cycle, I've let myself drown in the days of down.  I'd sleep, eat horrible food which just made the urge to sleep worse, and I'd avoid all things healthy, like exercise.  This past week, I found myself down again.  I was sleeping during the day, not doing my housework, and my kid was late to school several times because I just couldn't handle the fight to force him out of bed.

On Sunday night, after a particularly rough day at work, I decided it was going to stop.  The next day, Monday, I was going to pull myself together and begin the climb out of the hole.  I've made this decision before in the past...and promptly rolled back over and went back to sleep.  Monday morning, yesterday morning, I reaffirmed my decision to have both a better attitude and a more productive day.

I got my kid off to school on time, thanks to the fact that he got himself out of bed without my nagging him.  As we were leaving for school, I made my first solid choice towards feeling better: I packed the dogs into the car with us, ready to take a walk at the park.  I dropped the boy off at school and immediately drove to the park to explore the nature path with the puppies.  They enjoyed the time out of the house.  Although I felt like I was dragging myself down the muddy path after them, I did have a clearer head by the end of the walk.

Unfortunately when we got home, I laid down on the bed for awhile, ruining any momentum I had gained.  When I dragged myself out of bed around noon, I made another choice towards feeling better.  Housework was too daunting, so instead I went grocery shopping.  It wasn't a happy trip. I felt like I was wading through molasses most of the time, and I had a horrible headache.  But I did it and I made sure I bought fresh fruit and vegetables. 

That was another decision in the positive direction.  I also bought orange juice.  I'm not normally a juice drinker, but yesterday afternoon, I was drinking glass after glass of orange juice!  I honestly think it helped perk me up.  By the time my husband got home, I had cleaned up the kitchen and made dinner from scratch. If you had told me in the beginning of the day that I'd have the energy to do either of those, let alone one of them, I'd have laughed at you.

Decision by decision, choice by choice, I'm determining how my day will go.  Rather than let my mood decide what I do in the day, I'm trying to make what I do during the day decide my mood.  Today, I once more took the dogs to the park after dropping off my son.  Although I came home and laid down again, when I got up I cleaned the bathrooms.  Yes, I did lay down again after I did that, too.  I am up now though, drinking my orange juice and contemplating the pile of laundry that needs folding. 

I may not be a model of productivity, but every step I take towards being more productive, is a step in the right direction.

The Cycle

It seems to be a never-ending cycle in my life.  I have ups and downs that last for weeks or months on end.  Last week, a downturn hit me.  Getting out of bed, staying out of bed, is like slogging through mud.  The thought of cleaning is daunting because I feel like I don't have energy.

As a consequence, my house has fallen back into the cluttered mess it once was.  My husband, bless him, took time this weekend to catch up on the laundry I hadn't done last week.  He did dishes, fixed meals.  He even brought me flowers and chocolate in an effort to make my day better.  He's an awesome husband, in case you couldn't tell.

I told myself last night and this morning that today would be better, that I'd get some stuff done.  It's 11:45am now and I have accomplished nothing around the house.  I did get the boy-child to school on time and I took the dogs for a stroll at the local park.  I made an attempt to do something today - taking the dogs for a walk was a definite move to improve my general mood.

So, what about the house?  I am going to take myself grocery shopping first of all.  The house is getting somewhat barren of things to eat.  From there...I guess we'll see.  I'd like to get bathrooms cleaned and get the laundry that my husband washed folded and put away.  Here's hoping...

Here's hoping the down turns up soon.  I don't like this feeling.

A Fresh Start

Yesterday was cool and gray.  My ears were itchy and painful.  I was grumpy.  I didn't get anything done around the house.  I did not follow my routine which said I was supposed to clean the kitchen and dining room.  I went to the doctor and then sat around watching movies and crocheting.

I could let this day off totally kill my routine.  I could let it be an obstacle I can't go over.  I could get distressed because, oh by the way, we're having company over tonight and the kitchen floor has paw prints from the dogs, among other things.

Instead, I will return to the regularly scheduled program: I will pick up with today's chores and forget about yesterday's.  Oh, if I have time and energy I may still take care of the kitchen and dining room. But I am not going to stress over them.  I will not get hung up on the fact that I missed day. I will move forward from where I stand, not trying to make up the day I missed, forgiving myself the day I took to rest.

Each morning, I have the chance to start over, to make a fresh start.  Each day I make the choice to let yesterday affect my mood today, or to forget about yesterday's choices, indiscretions or mistakes.  My favorite line from the movie The Lion King is from Rafiki.  He whacks Simba on the head and Simba says, "Ow! What was that for?!" Rafiki grins and says, "It doesn't matter! It's in the past!"

In the past, I have a let a day like yesterday freeze me.  I'd see the daunting task of catching up with yesterday AND doing today's list.  I'd feel immediately overwhelmed.  Then the feelings of inadequacy, self bashing, the feeling of being a failure, would rise.  I'd throw my hands up and give up....there goes the routine.  For months, I'd avoid doing all but the most basic chores, simply because I'd missed that one day and gotten discouraged.

It's only when I took Rafiki's words to heart that I began to move forward, to realize that one day does not make a shambles of the routine I've set.  Taking one day off when I'm not feeling well, or have other things that are drawing my attention, is not a horrible thing.  I can't beat myself up over it.  I can't lose sight of the bigger picture - which is to make my home comfortable and neat. 

Nina Simone sings a song called Feelin' Good.  It's been a favorite of mine since high school.  It reminds me that each day I get the chance to start my life over, to choose to feel good instead of bad.  When I remember the song, it inspires me to be kind to myself after a bad day.  It frees me to begin my routine over again from where I stand, with no regrets or flagellation for having an off day.

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day! It's a new life for me.....and I'm feelin' good."

Perfectionism

I, like many, would like to do things perfectly.  Perfectly, the first time I do them.  It has been an expectation that has both crippled me and crushed me.  It has frozen me in my tracks, prevented me from doing so many things, from learning many new things.  For years, my own expectations of keeping a perfectly clean home prevented me from doing anything because I knew I could not do it just right.

In the last year, I have been teaching myself that it is ok not to be perfect. Through taking care of my house, I am learning that any effort is a good effort.  I'm learning that I don't have to do things perfectly someone else's way. I can do things just fine my own way.  I am learning that it is acceptable, preferable even, to do a little even if I can't do a lot.

It's been a rough road. I've procrastinated plenty.  So much that it had become a habit.  I had to break that habit before it dragged me down any further.  I used my routines to break myself of procrastination, but it took determination.

I could make all of the pretty pieces of paper with routines on them, I could dress them up in cute notebooks, I could post them on my refrigerator or walls.  I had to make the decision to follow the routines.  I did that one day at a time. 

At first I made a daily routine.  Having each day scheduled was ok, but in all honesty, I don't like being hemmed in by a routine on a daily basis.  I didn't need every hour accounted for.  It was just one more way to set myself up for failure. It was trying to be perfect on a daily basis.  It didn't work.

So, I turned to the internet to do some research.  Along the way I discovered all sorts of other ways to get the chores in the house done.  I learned about a weekly cleaning routine, which did not fence me in hour by hour.  It made me see that I could take the tasks bit by bit, instead of all at once.  Small bites are easier to chew than big ones.

The weekly routine also let me see that if I missed a day, it was no big deal. I just had to begin again on the next day.  So what if my  bedroom didn't get cleaned one week, or my kitchen didn't get wiped down.  I had cleaned my family room, so I'd done something positive.  The next week I could work on my bedroom and/or the kitchen.

This release from having the house perfect at all times was freeing. The knowledge that I could take it a little at a time, and didn't have to start at the beginning of the list each time I procrastinated and got nothing done for a day or two was a relief.

Slowly, I began to clean more.  A day here, a day there.  Then a couple days here and there.  Eventually, I made it up to doing a whole week of my routine.  That was exciting for me.  I'm still working on getting in a whole week of my routine.  There are some tasks I just don't want to do. I'm not sure if it's perfectionism or pure laziness that is holding me back, but it doesn't matter.  I start anew each day and forgive myself for not getting done the tasks I skipped.

I'm learning.  My house doesn't have to be perfectly clean to be better for my cleaning.  I'm learning that I don't have to be perfect.

Chaos Lives Within

I believe the state of my home is a reflection of the state of my mind.  When my mind is full of discouragement, black thoughts, and general chaos, so my house is full of mess and chaos.  I'm not sure which comes first, but I think it may depend on the day.  If that's true, then I can influence my mood and emotions by keeping a clean house.  Likewise, I can keep a cleaner house when my mood is up.

So, what do I do when both my mind and home are in chaos?  How can I climb out of the black hole in my mind and free my home from the disaster?

Start cleaning. 

That's what I should do, anyhow.  The very act of cleaning can be a meditation, a sacred act of prayer.  Prayer and meditation calm the mind and help me sort out my confusing and often depressed thoughts and feelings. During some of my most distressed times, the repetitive motion of some chores have brought things more clearly into focus and stabilized my frantic thoughts. 

When I clean to calm my mind, I choose a task which I can concentrate on fully.  Doing the dishes, cleaning baseboards, folding laundry.  It's very hard to multitask when doing these.  Multitasking causes more jumble in the mind.  If I focus in on one job, giving it my full attention until it is done, I am practicing mindfulness and creating a quiet space for my thoughts to rest.

Sometimes, instead of starting with cleaning the house, I will work on cleaning my mind first.  I will journal, draw, or crochet.  These things also calm my mind and sort me out, giving me momentum to carry on and clean the house.  What do you do to calm your mind when it is in chaos?  Could you make a chore into a meditation?

More about Mindfulness and Chores

Music to Motivate

I find music helpful in gearing me up to do my work around the house.  It has to be upbeat, something I can sing along with, and have a good beat that I can bop around to. 

Occasionally, I'll go with my album collection, but recently I've been listening to Pandora.  I have a station based on Train, one based on Billy Joel and a few others.  The Train and Billy Joel stations are the ones I listen to most when I am cleaning, though.

I started to wonder why music motivates me so much.  When I looked it up, I found this article from The Globe and Mail and realized how much it makes sense.  The music stimulates our brains and causes changes in our system which energize us.  The right music can affect your mood positively.

What music motivates you?  Maybe some of your suggestions will give me other options for musical motivation!